I am not my own.

I am sitting in front of my computer trying to cram for an Old Testament class that I procrastinated for and am coming off about a 3 day bender of complete borderline atheistic conversion. I'm really on the atheism kick right now, with the popularity of books such as "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins and "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris. Couple in the fact that I believe in an old Earth and not the literal story of Genesis, you'd think I would make the jump....and I about did.

This led, as it inevitably does, to a flat out war with God (or a delusion of my mind) yesterday. Now a misconception of non-Christians (and some actual Christians) is that coversations with God have to be fruify and lame and full of "pleasantries." Well, if you were in my truck yesterday you'd think I was yelling at some punk kid who cut me off at the last minute exiting on Garnet by crossing 6 lanes of traffic. This was pure honesty. I will admit that the F-word surfaced more than once and I made some pretty harsh demands of God. He needed to become real to me in a big way. Soon. Or that was it. I was jumping on the evolutionary train that is beginning to dominate Western thinking and not coming back. I mean why is it not a legitimate worldview? The best genes win out, get the girls, pop out the babies, start the cycle again and again and eventually lead to........? What difference does it make?

As I got home yesterday after making these demands I busted out a bowl of Lucky Charms to drown my sorrows when I got a text message from my buddy Brett to see if I wanted to hang out. I told him I needed to study (which I did) but that I could swing by for awhile. After a stroll around Lake Murray with Brett, wife, and baby (his not mine) we made our way back to his house for homemade enchiladas. We hashed it out real good about evolutionary theory, atheism, religions, Genesis, and Jesus all over some of the best chocolate milk I've ever experienced. Seriously, he uses the powder which I've always been skeptical of (I'm a syrup guy) and I have to tell you, it was amazng....but I digress. We both had great points, but in hashing it out my angry demands of God were met. This meeting of the minds couldn't have been scripted any more perfectly. Brett hadn't text messaged me in weeks, let alone about hanging out, let alone just minutes after I had demanded God move in my life. Coincidence? Perhaps, but not with chocolate milk of that caliber on top of it all. This was supernatural movement.

Now to my main thoughts here, which are difficult to express in words. Amidst a peace today that I have not experienced in a long time and amidst studying the books of wisdom in the Bible, I've been shown several truths to which you may agree or disagree, and that's fine. Number one, God is relational and he has been throughout history. He lives in a realm of relational experience that cannot be defined by stepping out into the analytical realm of worldview, nor can it be explained by those who have never experienced the realtionship themselves. Objective truth does exist in the Bible, to be sure, and keeps rational people out of cults. The relational truth only exists, however, when you've undoubtedly experienced the hand of God move in your life. It seems that through this relational experience that wisdom is gained and not through pure intellectual analysis. The realm of wisdom isn't much defined by science and exists whether the material universe ever existed or not. As Arnold and Beyer put it in my OT textbook, "Wisdom belongs ultimately to God, and all human attempts to grasp it or contain it are doomed to failure."

My second thought relates to the very title of this blog, and that is that I do not belong to myself - and this is true of either worldview. Evolutionarily speaking, I belong to the environment that created me, since it was the fundamental elements of all matter that make up my physical body, and these same elements that sustain my physical life. In this sense I belong to the Earth. In a Biblical worldview, I am not my own willfully. I belong to God and am a tool, free of identity, that owns nothing and therefore should strive for nothing outside of whatever higher purpose God has. I've never cared less than tonight about a big house, lots of money, triathlon trophies, or anything else....and that translates to freedom. It is HIStory to begin with, and my self-will is only getting in HISway.

This brings me to my final point, albeit a controversial one. Atheism is necessary, and I respect it. It is as vital to God's ultimate purpose as anything else. Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris have sparked considerable debate in this country, which is exactly what the higher purpose may be, because it turns eyes towards God, or the possibility thereof or therenot. It reminds me of Paul's letter to the Phillipians where he pens, "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice." Indeed, the same could be said about the "God Delusion" or "Letter to a Christian Nation." What difference does it make the "how," in every way the debate is bringing eyes toward God.

Anyway, that is enough of my rambling. What I'm trying to say is difficult to express in words and I'm sure I've not done it justice here. At the end of the day, though, I'm glad my own "God Delusion" allowed for my buddy to call at the right time, answer my immediate demand for revelation, and allow for one of the most peaceful and enlightening evenings in the recent history of my life. Thank you, Lord delusion. And thank you, Brett, for the chocolate milk.